Navigating funeral flower etiquette: Your answers to these common questions

There are very few moments in life as difficult as saying goodbye to a loved one. When you receive that news, the immediate instinct is often to reach out, to show support, and to offer comfort. For centuries, flowers have been the language we use when words simply aren't enough. They bring softness to a sad room, offer a visual tribute to a life lived, and remind the grieving family that they are not alone.

However, the team here at Court Florist knows that alongside the desire to send flowers comes a wave of uncertainty. What is appropriate? Should you send them to the house or the funeral director? Is a wreath too formal? And what on earth do you write on the card?

We have been helping Christchurch families navigate these sensitive moments for decades. We have put together this deep-dive guide to answer every question you might have about funeral flower etiquette in New Zealand, so you can send your tribute with confidence and care.

The big question: should you send flowers?

The short answer is almost always yes. Flowers are a universally accepted gesture of sympathy. However, modern funerals are changing, and it is important to check for one specific phrase in the funeral notice: "In lieu of flowers."

If the family has explicitly requested donations to a charity instead of flowers, it is respectful to honour that wish. In this instance, we often suggest waiting a few weeks. Once the funeral is over and the initial wave of support has faded, sending a "thinking of you" bouquet to the family’s home is a beautiful way to show continued support without going against their funeral wishes.

Understanding the arrangements: what is the difference?

If you are looking at a florist’s website, the terminology can be confusing. You might see wreaths, sheaves, sprays, and posies. Knowing the difference ensures you choose the right tribute for your relationship to the deceased.



Casket sprays

A casket spray is the large, sculptural floral arrangement that sits on top of the coffin during the service. This is the centrepiece of the floral tribute. Etiquette tip: The casket spray is almost exclusively ordered by the immediate family (partner, children, or parents). Unless you are part of this inner circle, or have been asked by them to arrange it, you should avoid ordering this item. It is a deeply personal tribute that often reflects the personality of the deceased—whether that is a garden-style spray of roses or a native arrangement featuring ferns and flax.

Wreaths

The circular shape of a wreath represents eternal life—never-ending love and emotion. Wreaths are the traditional choice for funerals and are displayed on stands during the service. Etiquette tip: Wreaths are appropriate for anyone to send—friends, colleagues, clubs, or extended family. They are formal, respectful, and make a significant visual statement at the service.

Funeral sheaves (tied bunches)

A sheaf is a hand-tied arrangement of flowers designed to lie flat. They look similar to a bouquet but are constructed to be displayed on a surface or alongside the casket. Etiquette tip: These are a versatile option. They are perfect for friends and colleagues to send to the funeral service. Because they are fully biodegradable (usually tied with natural raffia), they are often the preferred choice if the flowers will be taken to a cemetery or left at a graveside.

Sympathy bouquets

There is a distinct difference between "funeral flowers" and "sympathy flowers." Funeral flowers are sent to the service. Sympathy flowers are sent to the homes of the grieving family. Etiquette tip: If you found out about the passing too late to send flowers to the service, or if you were close to the family but not the deceased, sending a sympathy bouquet to their home is the perfect gesture. It provides comfort in the days and weeks following the service. A "Posy in a Jar" or a boxed arrangement is often best, as the grieving family may not have the energy to hunt for vases.

Where should you send the flowers?

This is the most common logistical question we get asked. Should the flowers go to the family home or the funeral service?

To the funeral service (Funeral Directors) If you are sending a wreath, sheaf, or formal arrangement intended for the service itself, it is best to have these delivered directly to the funeral home. Christchurch has many compassionate funeral directors—from Lamb & Hayward and Bell, Lamb & Trotter to John Rhind and Academy. We work with all of them regularly.

• Why: Funeral directors will ensure the flowers are set up and displayed correctly before the family arrives for the private viewing or the public service.

• The Deadline: We generally need to deliver flowers at least 2 hours before the service begins. When you order, simply tell us the time of the funeral, and we will handle the logistics.

To the family home If you are sending a bouquet, a living plant, or a food hamper, send these to the family’s residence.

• Why: These are personal gifts for the living, rather than public tributes for the deceased. It gives the family something beautiful to look at in their own space.

Cultural considerations in New Zealand

We are lucky to live in a diverse country, and funeral traditions can vary significantly across different cultures in Christchurch.

Maori tangi etiquette If the deceased is being taken to a marae for a tangi, flowers are usually very welcome. They are often placed around the casket in the wharenui. However, it is important to respect local tikanga. Sometimes it is preferred that you bring the flowers with you when you visit, rather than having them delivered by a courier. If you are unsure, sending a sympathy bouquet to the whanau’s home after the burial is always a safe and respectful option.

Eco-friendly and natural burials New Zealand has seen a rise in natural burials (such as at the Diamond Harbour Memorial Gardens). These cemeteries often have strict rules: no floral foam, no plastic ribbons, and no wire. If you know the service is for a natural burial, please let us know. We can create a "fully biodegradable" sheaf using only natural stems and ties to ensure your tribute respects the earth.

What to write on the card?

For many people, this is the hardest part. You are staring at a small white card, trying to sum up a lifetime of friendship or offer comfort for an unimaginable loss. The key is to keep it short, sincere, and from the heart. You do not need to be a poet.

Here are some examples you can use or adapt:

For a funeral service tribute:

• "In loving memory of a wonderful person. You will be missed."
• "With deepest sympathy and fondest memories."
• "Rest in peace, [Name]. Your light will continue to shine."
• "Sent with love and remembrance."

For a sympathy bouquet sent to the home:

• "Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time."
• "We are so sorry for your loss. We are here if you need anything at all."
• "Sending you strength and love as you navigate the days ahead."
• "With heartfelt condolences."

For a colleague or business associate:

• "With deepest sympathy from the team at [Company Name]."
• "Our thoughts are with you."

Choosing the right flowers: meanings and symbolism

While you can choose any flower that you feel represents the deceased (perhaps they were a gardener who loved sweet peas, or someone vibrant who loved sunflowers), there are traditional choices that carry special meaning.

Lilies: The most traditional funeral flower. They represent the restored innocence of the soul of the deceased. The white lily expresses majesty and purity. Roses: A universal symbol of love. White roses denote reverence and humility; red roses convey respect, love, and courage; pink roses represent love and grace. Carnations: A very long-lasting flower that is often used in wreaths. Pink carnations are believed to represent a mother’s undying love. Natives: In New Zealand, choosing a bouquet rich in ferns, flax, and native blooms is a powerful way to acknowledge connection to the land (whenua). It offers a sense of grounding and peace that is distinctively Kiwi.